chrysaline | PCs with Medea (jk) (unless)

PCs with Medea (jk) (unless)

Date of writing is noted in the header! If Medea or Psyche destroys a letter, I'll note when that happens.

Dear Medea,

There's so much to tell you that I don't know where to start. What a strange situation I've found myself in... When I think of everything we've been through in the last year, I have to laugh a little. There were so many times when I thought I really couldn't go on. Compared to that, it almost feels like this can't scare me anymore.

I hope I won't worry you by putting it like that. I hope there's never a reason for you to read this at all... When I spoke to Ho-oh, he made it sound like people wouldn't appear here unless they brought them here on purpose. But other things from our worlds fall through just the same, so I'm writing this just in case. If you find yourself here unexpectedly, I want to give you as much information as I can. Especially if I won't be here to explain it.

I suppose the things you need to know most are: it seems like this is another world, and the "administrators" here are convincing people to kill each other. They've promised some vague rewards if a murderer gets away with it. But more than that, they threatened everyone with the idea that this place will be destroyed if people don't die. I can already picture the face you're making... You probably grasp the situation better than I do already. I'd better get to the things you wouldn't know, right?

The little devices with the wings are used to communicate. They're like letters, but instant. The cat-creatures can tell you how to use them. There are messages, and information about the other people here. What abilities and powers they have. No one else calls it "divinity," but there are so many kinds of magic, like out of a story. I wonder if I should give you my impressions of everyone? You'll tell me I'm too idealistic, I think. But most of them truly seem like good people.

I trust Wei Wuxian. If you need to go to someone, then he's a good choice. Zelkov, Crea, Nona, and Wang Lu seem kind. You'll like Lacus - I think I could learn from her, if we're here long enough. She cares about people, but she doesn't falter. Sonya, Xiao, Shuda, Waltaquin, and Billy are practical and direct. Temenos too, and he's experienced investigating murders. Skywarp reminds me of Eros. I don't really know anyone well enough... all I can give you are vague impressions. Do you think I've learned a little? I hope I've at least made progress from the girl who never realized that others hated her.

I think that's everything you need to know. You'll laugh if I have to add another page after saying that, won't you? Then the most important thing to say is this: I'm fine. I promise. Maybe I'm too angry about everything that's happened so far to be scared. But I'm not giving up on finding a way out of this for everyone. I want all of us to be able to return home safely - but you, most of all. Please don't forget that.

Love,
Psyche

[ letter disposed of Week 2 post-trial night ]

Medea,

I promise I'll write a longer letter when I have a chance. I know I should tell you how the trials work, and the executions. Just in case. But this time I have a favor to ask, and it's urgent.

This isn't a plea for you to save me. My determination to move forward with my own strength hasn't changed. But I need your wisdom so badly right now. I'll give you two hours; I hope that should be enough? I'm sure the situation for you is delicate right now too, and I don't want to make things difficult.

I'll keep it brief. Wei Wuxian might have been poisoned. I know it's a little unreasonable to expect you to give me answers. But I don't want anything to get worse... anything you can tell me would help.

He said he was feeling ill last night, as if he'd been outside or breathing in dust. This morning he was coughing up blood, and his tongue is black. He's been sweating and he's a little shaky. I tried to heal him, but it made the coughing worse, and then gave him a nosebleed. I don't know what else you'd need to know... the doctor here already looked him over, and it's probably better to let him rest now. I haven't had time to explain you to Wang Lu yet, but you can trust him too.

For how he got poisoned... he's strong, and used to fighting. I don't think anyone could have easily cut him without him noticing. It would have to be something he drank, wouldn't it? Or the flute he plays? Everything he said he ate sounded normal. Things from the buffet that all of us use, water, some drinks at a meeting from someone else I trust that most of us drank. He made more drinks later with Wang Lu, but Wang Lu isn't sick. Or maybe it's none of those, and someone here has a power that can do something like this. I just don't know what to think right now.

Do you have any ideas? I don't know what to do if this happens again or if he's worse by tomorrow. I wish so badly that I could talk to you. I feel like I could think clearly then. I'm sorry for involving you in this... and, thank you.

[ letter burned in the kitchen, Week 4 Wednesday night ]

[ This letter is written in crisp, precise handwriting. The pen strokes are deep and without hesitation. ]

I'm glad that you kept your expectations moderate. Please believe that it pains me to dash your hopes. Those symptoms could describe any number of poisons; even removing other considerations, such as the very likely possibility that the world you find yourself in has substances I'm wholly unaware of. I hardly think I need remind you not to go about recklessly putting things in your mouth. You're considerably smaller than your Wei Wuxian and have no poison resistance to speak of. Recall that you can't simply heal if something were to happen.

Let me preface this by emphasizing that putting too much stock in any hypothesis from me under these circumstances could well lead you astray. If forced to guess—which I would refuse to do, if I didn't know that saying nothing would only increase your worries—I would suspect arsenic poisoning. It can be administered as a powder to liquids and has no smell or taste, which would make it difficult to find traces. A small amount could easily be fatal, and it is fast-acting if used so. Therefore, if this were to be the cause, it's unlikely that anyone wanted him dead. If the dosage were over a period of time, you ought to be able to find white lines on his nails and coarser skin on the hands and feet. "Beelzebub" may be able to detect the scent of garlic.

This brings me to the stronger possibility, an application of one of the powers someone here possesses. The paltry information on the device is almost more useless than the hope of applying my knowledge of poisons to your situation. Nonetheless, I would direct your attention to Kallamar, as "plague" and poison may well share a number of symptoms. Naturally the pharmaceutical knowledge of Baizhu should be suspect as well. "Status ailments" is notably vague, but

[ the letter is interrupted here! to be continued(?) ]

After the last letter, I don't think you'll be surprised by this. Even so... I'm so sorry to keep putting you in this position. But I also don't want anyone here hurt because I tried to solve things myself out of stubborn pride. When I return, I'll have a lot to make up to you, won't I?

The poisoner picked a second target, like you thought. It's almost like with Wei Wuxian. Xiao, "ironlotus" Xiao, was given something that caused her powers to go out of control. Wang Lu, Waltaquin, and Zelkov fought her — and they had to kill her to stop her. She was always so calm and reserved. There's no way she would have done this willingly.

I promise this will be the last time. I'll make certain of it. We'll be having another meeting for this, and I know you'll learn more from it than I would. Maybe something you know can help the others put a stop to this. I hope two hours again will be enough. Please, do whatever you can to help them through this.

I know sending you to a meeting is a little risky. But you can fool Eros and my parents, and I don't think most people here know me any better than they do. Wei Wuxian and Waltaquin won't say anything. I'll try to find a chance to warn Wang Lu. I think Xiao and Temenos are the most likely to realize; I like them both, so please handle them gently. I wish there were more warning I could give.

I can't summarize everything that's happened here easily. But at least let me give you an outline of the things no one would believe I've forgotten. There's been a death on the Friday of each week. Merlin was killed in the first week by the administrators. Chai by Sonya next, then Vergilius by Lobelia. Both Kallamar and Skywarp last week... Kallamar was killed by Kanon, but we never found Skywarp's murderer. The more I write, the heavier the failure feels. We're all trying everything we can, but we're still losing people faster and faster. I'm going to make it impossible for you to believe I can handle this, aren't I? But I'm going to keep fighting.

Something strange has been happening with the dead as well. We've been receiving messages from them somehow. I'm certain it was Merlin. It's too much to wish for when we can't even protect the people remaining here, but I want to find a way to help them, too. Merlin told us to "live and resolve the situation." If he believes it's still possible, then so will I. I'm meandering now... I just wish I could speak to you face-to-face. I hope the next time we talk will be.

Please don't put yourself in any danger for his. I won't hope for a miracle. If you do what you can, that would be enough. There aren't enough words to thank you, but still: thank you, Medea.

Love,
Psyche

Edited (tweaks for outcome of thread) 2023-06-23 17:53 (UTC)

[ This letter was also burned in the kitchen Week 4 Wednesday night. ]

[ Round 2. With very patient penstrokes: ]

Time is short, so I'll be brief. I assume the reason you omitted mentioning the powers was to not alarm me about your situation. If you limit my information, you tie my hands. I seem knowledgeable to you because in Vasilios I have many informants. Your situation is unknown to me except what I can learn through your letters and your acquaintances. Even if it may not seem relevant, include as much as you can.

It would also simplify things immensely if you provided me more context on your relationships here. It is very simple to play your part in Vasilios; less so here, where your role is less clearly defined. Waltaquin, in particular, invites an explanation. I would ask that you keep this ring she gifted you until I have decided how to play this. If Wang Lu and Wei Wuxian share similarities with her, as she claims, it may be best to avoid placing me into situations with them as well.

From speaking with Waltaquin, it seems likely that the effect on Wei Wuxian's powers was the intent of the drug rather than a mere side-effect. I would anticipate a repeat performance, likely with more targets. Look with suspicion at anyone affected. I, personally, would still favor the doctor for the poisoner. There is no need to scorn a simple explanation. Waltaquin believes otherwise, though we are in agreement that a double agent may be likely. Only a true amateur would limit their targets to people who would create a pattern that points to them. But you should consider the motives of everyone carefully and what their priorities may be.

I don't ask that you give way to cynicism. You have the capacity to look at things with honesty, without also losing your ability to believe in others. I am not the person to give you encouragement on this, but nonetheless: that light is the path forward that you showed me. Question things, but don't despair. I know your strength better than anyone. Take this and learn from it. Be well.

[ There is no signature on this letter. ]

Edited 2023-06-23 16:53 (UTC)

[ This letter was destroyed immediately before Week 5 Thursday meeting. ]

[ This letter was destroyed except for the last paragraph on Week 4, Thursday morning. ]

Dear Medea,

In so many ways — this may be my last letter. I don't want to leave anything left unsaid, but I hardly know where to begin.

Should I explain what else happened on Monday? I'm sure you had no confusion when you found yourself here. You and Waltaquin were both right to suspect that one of us was the one poisoning the others. Though, you may owe me some explanations too. I heard from Wei Wuxian that you kissed Waltaquin? I really wish we had the time for gossip. I've tried so hard to imagine what it was you were thinking, but this may be beyond my depth. I hope it doesn't make the request I have for you more painful.

Things were in chaos for a little while, but everyone seems to have decided to work with Billy moving forward. I don't know that everyone forgives him, although Lacus does. But everyone believes that we don't have the luxury of internal conflicts when we need to focus our attention on the administrators and finding a way out. I wonder if this is cynicism catching up to me; I don't see any reason for Billy to give his loyalty to us. What he wants is a drug he can use against those with powers when he returns home. The situation there does sound truly terrible. Not so different from the nobility of Vasilios. Power is power, isn't it? Money or rank, physical or magical. There are people who enjoy hurting others, and who know that with the power they have, they can't be stopped. Or people who simply don't see the lives of the powerless as having any meaning. I can't help thinking, again, what Eros would do if he succeeds in taking my divinity.

I understand so well. But I still can't forgive Billy. And I can't trust him. It's the same, isn't it? The people he wants to defeat see those weaker than them as less than nothing. He sees us the same way. It doesn't matter that Xiao died, or that Wei Wuxian was hurt. The cost is easy for him to pay because they didn't have value to him. Is this really my rational judgment? Or am I emotional about what happened? I just don't think it makes sense for him to make a deal with the administrators for a poison without having a plan for him to return home to use it. He's too practical. He would have secured his next steps with his allies. If he helps us, it would be for the convenience of the moment, and he'd change sides again as easily. I don't want to be right about this, but I won't be caught by surprise again.

Edited 2023-06-23 19:55 (UTC)

Since Monday I've been struggling to put my feelings into words, or even to understand where they're coming from. Why am I so angry? Why am I so empty? I don't think of what Billy did as a betrayal. We weren't close, and he never pretended to like me. He may even have been truthful in saying he wanted to use that drug to interrogate Waltaquin. To be honest, the thought of that makes me a little angry, too. That he could care about our unsolved cases, while he was working with the people orchestrating this all along? Or that he was right? I feel so stupid... and so frustrated. Everything I've tried to do here really didn't amount to anything. I told Waltaquin that every life here mattered, and I believe that. I have to believe that. But I haven't managed to help even one.

The first week, when Merlin was murdered, I asked Billy to meet with me. You wanted to know more about my relationships with the people here, right? Merlin is a friend, even if we only knew each other briefly before he died. Maybe I could even call him something like a mentor? He's half human, immortal — he's lived so long, seen so much. How could he not, over hundreds or thousands of years? The best and worst of humanity. And he could still tell me he found humans beautiful and wonderful, in all of our fragility and all our foolishness. That although he would normally be an observer, he saw a chance here to take action. He fought the administrators for us, and he died horribly, slowly and in so much pain. He didn't have to do that. He had every reason not to do that. What would our deaths look like to someone like Merlin? Is a human lifespan even like the flicker of a candle flame to someone who lives that long? He must have seen thousands on thousands on thousands of deaths already. If anyone should have seen us as insignificant little lights just waiting to flicker out, it should have been him. But he fought. He's still fighting.

I met with Billy because he was one of the ones who looked over Merlin's body afterwards. I wanted to know how long it took him to die. It hurt to think of it, but I thought — if I knew that, if I could figure out what my healing could do and what it couldn't, maybe I could help even one more person in the future. Maybe the next time we fought the administrators, it would be different. And maybe I did want the comfort of thinking that his end was quick. When I think now that Billy was already working with Merlin's murderers then, and that he pretended to investigate Merlin's body just to use him in exchange for the drug he wanted developed — that he sat there, and he either lied to me, or else truly didn't care enough to ask them what Merlin's death was actually like — all I want is [ a smudge, where words were started and reconsidered ] to cry.

Edited 2023-07-06 16:09 (UTC)

Ever since Merlin died I've been waiting for my own chance to fight. I didn't hold back because I was timid, or afraid of the consequences. I held back because I wanted to make it count. I feel the same as I did the day I wrote you that letter from the palace: I truly understand that this is an opponent I need to be willing to die to defeat, and I'm not afraid. I think... that's why I felt so empty. Xiao died, and it didn't mean a single thing. It was just some accident, an unexpected side-effect that wasn't Billy's concern. Even the people who cared about her accepted that so easily to work with him again. I can't say that they're doing anything wrong. What would have been the right answer? Throwing Billy back to his allies? Killing him? I couldn't call that justice, either. I don't have any wish to see him dead. That would be just as empty. I just felt like I was drowning in the pointlessness of it all.

I must sound like a child, running to you with this. People die every day. It's often senseless, cruel, empty. Maybe trying to ascribe meaning to it is the real cruelty. I never spoke to her, so I have no way of knowing the effect she left behind on the lives she touched. It's self-absorbed to think that because I can't understand it, it doesn't matter. I just felt so lost. I've forced myself to keep moving ahead, hoping that someday I'll have come far enough to at least see what my goal might be. But after that I really thought that I couldn't go another step. Was I lying to Merlin, or to myself, when I said I wouldn't give up? I told myself it would be enough to push my feelings down and support the group's decision. I don't want to cause dissent now either. I won't let my emotions put the others in danger.

Then at the meeting the next day Lacus told us that Merlin may be able to bring the dead back. He's been working on a spell, trying to do something that will let us fight the administrators. And the power he needs for it is the bonds between us. I don't think I even felt that hollow on the day I realized Eros was trying to kill me. That seems like such a petty heartbreak in comparison. For my friend to need the one thing I'm good for, at the one moment when I can't do it anymore... I really can't describe it. Even now, I'm a little afraid that I'm going to be the one who causes us to fail. That because I can't forgive, or trust, or open my heart to some of these people, others that I love are going to suffer. What meaning was there to me making it this far? What can I even still do for everyone? Why am I still here, instead of someone who could have done what he needed?

Even now, I can't say that I've found a clear answer to that. When I feel like this I always try to picture what you would tell me. Maybe that's alright. I'm still weak and still faltering, still afraid of others and myself. For a little longer, I want to look towards the people so much stronger than me for a little bit of strength, until I find my own way. "You can't move forward if you're looking back." "What matters is what you do from now on." "It's at that time when humans shine the brightest."

It's still so hard to believe in that right now. I'm not as kind as people think I am, as I thought I was. If I were, wouldn't forgiveness have come more easily to me? I'm still holding onto those feelings even while I lie to the others. I don't know how to feel about myself right now, let alone everyone else here. But I know that I can't let myself let them down. Maybe in the end, I'll be happy as long as I can say "I would make the same choice again," no matter how it turns out. I think... what I'm doing is the right thing. I have to trust my own judgment, as impossible as that feels.

Waltaquin killed Nona. I really don't know the circumstances, but Waltaquin thought she could use that death to give her necromancy the power to do something against our circumstances here. I want to believe that Nona understood, in some way, but I might be evading the truth even now. But when the dead spoke to us yesterday, Alecto — the person Nona became — seemed to have an understanding with Waltaquin. Whatever the case, Waltaquin's mind is deteriorating badly. I've lied to Doctor Baizhu to get sedatives for her to keep things stable a little longer. And I promised her that if it came to it, you would be the one to kill her. I'm so sorry. I truly would have done it myself, and it may still come to that. But if you can, would you honor her last wish? I don't know what's passed between the two of you. I hope this isn't as cruel a thing to ask you as I'm afraid it might be.

I'm keeping this secret for now. I'm afraid that the bonds we're desperately hanging onto will crumble once people know. Nona was sweet and beloved. And she deserves the truth, as do the others. I intend to tell everyone before this is over. When I do... I'm sorry, too, about the situation you might find yourself in. It's very possible Crea will try to kill Waltaquin, and maybe me when I try to stop him. Xiao will be angry, but I believe he'll hear me out. Lacus... I don't know what to make of Lacus. I know Nona was precious to her, but she keeps her calm and is steadfast to her principles... they're just a little hard for me to understand. Whatever Lacus chooses, I think Billy and Shuda will likely support her. Wang Lu and Wei Wuxian will take my side regardless, but I truly don't want things to come to that. I'll do everything I can to avoid dividing the group with this. I only want you to have enough context to understand what's happening, if we should switch involuntarily again.

You wanted me to tell you more about Waltaquin, didn't you? I never really pictured it happening like this, but I'll try. She's a little difficult to put into words. When I first met her she reminded me a tiny bit of you. Her poise and composure, the way she can break a situation down into possibilities and likelihoods. Could I say she's calm under pressure? That's not quite it... I think she enjoys it, in some way. Maybe the challenge, or maybe just the thrill of something unexpected. She hates being bored, I think. She's principled — in her own way? She doesn't make promises lightly, and she's... honest, in a sense that's hard to describe.

She's a little like me, too. Last week, Merlin did something that let us glimpse each other's memories. She saw my memory of you after the trial. And I saw her childhood. It feels wrong to violate her confidences now, however unwilling it might have been. Maybe it's enough to say that I feel like she and I are reflections? When I left the basement, it was like... well, looking directly into the sunlight after you've been sitting in a dark and quiet room. The whole world seemed to rush in all at once, overwhelming and wonderful. I almost couldn't understand how much I was feeling. I can't really say if I hated the powers that kept me down there, when at least I thought I could use them to help the person who set me free. But for Waltaquin, I think her powers were freedom, to her. I wonder if she feels about her research the way I do about people.

I like her. It's hypocritical of me, isn't it? I feel so frustrated at how easily everyone accepts what Shigaraki has been part of. But even knowing that she's killed, I still care for her. I couldn't really tell you if she's a good person or a bad person. I won't say that she chose what she did for the good of the group. But she didn't do it out of cruelty, either. I think it's best if you judge for yourself. Even so, I'm not keeping silent about what happened for Waltaquin's sake. I really think it's what I have to do, at least until Merlin's spell is finished. She never asked me to keep her secret, either; she told me outright to tell the others if I needed to. Can you understand her a little, from that? I hope so. I'd really like you to.

I really hope when everyone returns Alecto can give the others the answers they need. There's already been so much pain here. I don't want anyone to have to hurt anymore. It's idealistic, it's naive, it's foolish. But I think, ultimately, that's what I believe:

I hate seeing people hurt. I don't want to stand by and let it happen anymore. And I can't forgive the people who used us like this, who took advantage of everyone's fear and vulnerability and anger and helplessness. I know you'll tell me that those who killed made their own choices, too. And that's true. But Overhaul and Shigaraki are the ones who did this to all of us.

I don't know what any of the killers here would do if they returned to their own worlds. Will they hurt more people? If they weren't in circumstances like these, is that truly who they are, no matter what? But I know who Shigaraki and Overhaul are. They had every advantage. They didn't have to do things the way they did. Even if they truly believed that the deaths were necessary, they didn't need to make a game of it — watching, enjoying seeing us struggle and hurt and hate each other, first with the deaths themselves and then by making us do the executions. I've seen who the people here are that pressure. And I still believe in them. That's... my resolve, right now.

Was this what was required to at last receive a letter from you with some modicum of detail? I would prefer it otherwise. I find I have lost all patience for circumstances that once again leave me unable to wipe your tears.

Rest assured that I intend to honor the promise you made on my behalf. Whatever strange impression you may have been given, this will weigh no more on my heart than any before it. I will admit that, were it to become necessary, I feel it would be a waste. I will convey the message myself. The information you've given me is more than enough for that.

Did you expect me to become sentimental simply because this may be the last letter we exchange? Surely not. You know me too well for that. Your predictions of my reactions are largely correct. Nonetheless, I will say it plainly. If you wish to go, then go. That should be enough.

But I know you entirely too well, as well. Certainly you recoiled just then. You thought, "that would be selfish." "I can't let my desires and my feelings bring harm to others." "How can I justify this, when I'm needed elsewhere?" It is in every line of the letter you left me. You are maddening. I could provide you the logical counterarguments, of course. I do not require your divinity to see my plans through to their completion. I could point out that moving your powers beyond Eros' reach pulls the fangs of the most plausible threat he might present to me. Would you like my word that I will cease knowingly drinking poison or walking into burning buildings, as I did before I ever discovered your healing? I will not give it. I will act as I see fit, pursuing what I want, as I always have. I will hear no complaints from the one who threw my body from a balcony to prove she was in deadly earnest. We both use the tools at our disposal, including our own selves. I, at least, do not do so without consideration.

You expect me to argue by logic, so I will not. You are more stubborn than stone when it suits you; and I have never chosen to fight a fair battle that would put me at an unneeded disadvantage. Let me meet you on the terms you set, then. I, too, will leave nothing left unsaid.

On the night in the garden when you pulled me back from the brink of death, I spoke to your god. Does that shock you? The god who claims to love you, who never answered, showed me everything you keep hidden in your heart. Do you begin to understand what I meant when I said I had no intention of fighting fairly? You know me well; I know you in a way you could not guard against. I saw your childhood, and the depths of Eros' betrayal. I know how ardently you prayed for peace. I know what wish you truly sent up to the god on the day of prayer. Are you angry yet at the violation? Good. Then you will be in the right state of mind to read my words, because I am angry.

How long do you intend to allow yourself to be moved from one cage to the next? From the basement to the gilded bars of the greenhouse, from the sealed gates of the Callista manor to the confinement of a betrothal intended to end in your death, from the contract for your freedom to this ridiculous island you find yourself on — are you not yet satisfied with being penned in to this extent? Do you believe you need to bind yourself further with a sense of duty hung like a millstone around your neck? You dare write me a letter lamenting being unable to fulfill what you are "good for"? Must I be the one to remind you that you are neither a sacred artifact to be broken for your power, nor a fuel for someone else's magics? No creature is brought into the world needing to justify its own existence. I am the last person who should need to explain this to you.

People may be hurt if you choose to leave Vasilios. They may be hurt if you return. People in another world that you might have helped could be hurt if you pick a different future. Will you stand in place, waiting to make your decision until you can divine what path of the hundreds or thousands before you hurts the fewest people? You know better. You put it quite well yourself in your letter, did you not? "People die every day. It is often senseless, cruel, empty." It is true. No matter how much you might wish to, you cannot possibly prevent all of it. You will break yourself in trying. Do not become so absorbed in tallying your failures that you forget to accord worth to those you have helped.

Live imperfectly. I learned that from you. And don't make that face; I'm not mocking you. It truly can become your strength. At times you will do all you can and you will still lose people. You've lived this before. Sometimes, they will be those you love dearly. There is no level of strength you can reach to ensure otherwise: we move forward nonetheless. When I told you to rise higher, to become someone, did you imagine that there would ever be a time when there would be nothing left at risk? If there is such a peaceful world anywhere out there, I hope you find it.

I will not tell you not to doubt yourself. Blind confidence would be as hobbling as blind doubt. If you wish to grow, and if you ever wish to understand yourself, then keep questioning. I write this to myself as much as I do to you. If I truly am leaving nothing left unsaid, then you should know that you have changed me irreparably. I no longer know with certainty who I am becoming. I make reckless moves that may well produce more losses in the long term. I act erratically, irrationally. I provoke a fight I do not need. And yet... you ask me in your letter why you are so angry. I believe I know you well enough to answer — or perhaps, I will answer for us both. Your anger and your pain is proportional to your care. You hate injustice, and always have. It is simple naivete. You will never play on equal footing with those who see the pieces on the board as disposable, when you yourself hesitate to lose even one. It may always hurt you as much as it does right now. And yet I find myself hoping you will never allow fear to make you less than you are.

Let yourself be angry. Let yourself cry. It is hard and it is unfair and it is wretched. Shall I recommend my infamous rages as worth your consideration? The next time you truly wish to surrender: break something. It is futile, but it is liberating. I mean it only half in jest. Let me repeat myself, lest you have overlooked it the first time. Live imperfectly; but, live. Fearlessness is all very well when you have no options and nothing left to lose. But know your goals clearly in your heart before you choose that, as well as what you stand to forfeit for it. If you wish to give up, then rest. Does any burden become lighter because you refuse to set it down for even a moment? You are not a god or a saint. You are one foolish, stubborn, willful girl. You cannot save everyone, and you cannot love everyone. No one expects that from you, save yourself. The love in you is more than enough.

You are enough, Psyche. You deserve happiness. I am not such a generous soul that I would say that of many people. But I wish it for you as fiercely as I have ever desired anything. And it is something I cannot give to you, like a gift, but instead must wait for you to reach for of your own accord. How infuriating it is to be helpless. I will not tell you which choice to make. It is yours, and will always be. I believe you can find happiness down whichever path you choose. And I believe you already know your answer, if you are brave enough to be honest with yourself. I asked you before what it was you wished to become. I will ask you again, not for my own knowledge, but for yours. Do not choose from fear of regret or from obligation. This is not a fairy tale; a happy ending is insufficient. Choose the path that leads to the person you wish to be.

I see no need for tearful farewells. I am beholden to your god for nothing and I have no need of miracles, either. This is neither a prayer nor something as flimsy as a wish. It is simply certainty: whatever you choose, we will meet again. And I will show you a Vasilios you can be proud of as well. Move forward, Psyche. Never doubt that I will do the same.

Always,
Medea Solon

Edited 2023-07-06 16:08 (UTC)

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

PCs with Medea (jk) (unless)

Week 2, Wednesday

no subject

no subject

no subject

Week 4, Wednesday

no subject

no subject

Week 4, Wednesday LATE

no subject

Week 5, Wednesday again

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

Week 6, Thursday post-meeting (cw: depression throughout)

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

Week 6, Thursday night