Psyche Callista (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
chrysaline) wrote2023-05-24 06:03 pm
chrysaline) wrote2023-05-24 06:03 pm
PCs with Medea (jk) (unless)
Date of writing is noted in the header! If Medea or Psyche destroys a letter, I'll note when that happens.
Date of writing is noted in the header! If Medea or Psyche destroys a letter, I'll note when that happens.
Week 6, Thursday post-meeting (cw: depression throughout)
In so many ways — this may be my last letter. I don't want to leave anything left unsaid, but I hardly know where to begin.
Should I explain what else happened on Monday? I'm sure you had no confusion when you found yourself here. You and Waltaquin were both right to suspect that one of us was the one poisoning the others. Though, you may owe me some explanations too. I heard from Wei Wuxian that you kissed Waltaquin? I really wish we had the time for gossip. I've tried so hard to imagine what it was you were thinking, but this may be beyond my depth. I hope it doesn't make the request I have for you more painful.
Things were in chaos for a little while, but everyone seems to have decided to work with Billy moving forward. I don't know that everyone forgives him, although Lacus does. But everyone believes that we don't have the luxury of internal conflicts when we need to focus our attention on the administrators and finding a way out. I wonder if this is cynicism catching up to me; I don't see any reason for Billy to give his loyalty to us. What he wants is a drug he can use against those with powers when he returns home. The situation there does sound truly terrible. Not so different from the nobility of Vasilios. Power is power, isn't it? Money or rank, physical or magical. There are people who enjoy hurting others, and who know that with the power they have, they can't be stopped. Or people who simply don't see the lives of the powerless as having any meaning. I can't help thinking, again, what Eros would do if he succeeds in taking my divinity.
I understand so well. But I still can't forgive Billy. And I can't trust him. It's the same, isn't it? The people he wants to defeat see those weaker than them as less than nothing. He sees us the same way. It doesn't matter that Xiao died, or that Wei Wuxian was hurt. The cost is easy for him to pay because they didn't have value to him. Is this really my rational judgment? Or am I emotional about what happened? I just don't think it makes sense for him to make a deal with the administrators for a poison without having a plan for him to return home to use it. He's too practical. He would have secured his next steps with his allies. If he helps us, it would be for the convenience of the moment, and he'd change sides again as easily. I don't want to be right about this, but I won't be caught by surprise again.
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The first week, when Merlin was murdered, I asked Billy to meet with me. You wanted to know more about my relationships with the people here, right? Merlin is a friend, even if we only knew each other briefly before he died. Maybe I could even call him something like a mentor? He's half human, immortal — he's lived so long, seen so much. How could he not, over hundreds or thousands of years? The best and worst of humanity. And he could still tell me he found humans beautiful and wonderful, in all of our fragility and all our foolishness. That although he would normally be an observer, he saw a chance here to take action. He fought the administrators for us, and he died horribly, slowly and in so much pain. He didn't have to do that. He had every reason not to do that. What would our deaths look like to someone like Merlin? Is a human lifespan even like the flicker of a candle flame to someone who lives that long? He must have seen thousands on thousands on thousands of deaths already. If anyone should have seen us as insignificant little lights just waiting to flicker out, it should have been him. But he fought. He's still fighting.
I met with Billy because he was one of the ones who looked over Merlin's body afterwards. I wanted to know how long it took him to die. It hurt to think of it, but I thought — if I knew that, if I could figure out what my healing could do and what it couldn't, maybe I could help even one more person in the future. Maybe the next time we fought the administrators, it would be different. And maybe I did want the comfort of thinking that his end was quick. When I think now that Billy was already working with Merlin's murderers then, and that he pretended to investigate Merlin's body just to use him in exchange for the drug he wanted developed — that he sat there, and he either lied to me, or else truly didn't care enough to ask them what Merlin's death was actually like — all I want is [ a smudge, where words were started and reconsidered ] to cry.
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I must sound like a child, running to you with this. People die every day. It's often senseless, cruel, empty. Maybe trying to ascribe meaning to it is the real cruelty. I never spoke to her, so I have no way of knowing the effect she left behind on the lives she touched. It's self-absorbed to think that because I can't understand it, it doesn't matter. I just felt so lost. I've forced myself to keep moving ahead, hoping that someday I'll have come far enough to at least see what my goal might be. But after that I really thought that I couldn't go another step. Was I lying to Merlin, or to myself, when I said I wouldn't give up? I told myself it would be enough to push my feelings down and support the group's decision. I don't want to cause dissent now either. I won't let my emotions put the others in danger.
Then at the meeting the next day Lacus told us that Merlin may be able to bring the dead back. He's been working on a spell, trying to do something that will let us fight the administrators. And the power he needs for it is the bonds between us. I don't think I even felt that hollow on the day I realized Eros was trying to kill me. That seems like such a petty heartbreak in comparison. For my friend to need the one thing I'm good for, at the one moment when I can't do it anymore... I really can't describe it. Even now, I'm a little afraid that I'm going to be the one who causes us to fail. That because I can't forgive, or trust, or open my heart to some of these people, others that I love are going to suffer. What meaning was there to me making it this far? What can I even still do for everyone? Why am I still here, instead of someone who could have done what he needed?
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It's still so hard to believe in that right now. I'm not as kind as people think I am, as I thought I was. If I were, wouldn't forgiveness have come more easily to me? I'm still holding onto those feelings even while I lie to the others. I don't know how to feel about myself right now, let alone everyone else here. But I know that I can't let myself let them down. Maybe in the end, I'll be happy as long as I can say "I would make the same choice again," no matter how it turns out. I think... what I'm doing is the right thing. I have to trust my own judgment, as impossible as that feels.
Waltaquin killed Nona. I really don't know the circumstances, but Waltaquin thought she could use that death to give her necromancy the power to do something against our circumstances here. I want to believe that Nona understood, in some way, but I might be evading the truth even now. But when the dead spoke to us yesterday, Alecto — the person Nona became — seemed to have an understanding with Waltaquin. Whatever the case, Waltaquin's mind is deteriorating badly. I've lied to Doctor Baizhu to get sedatives for her to keep things stable a little longer. And I promised her that if it came to it, you would be the one to kill her. I'm so sorry. I truly would have done it myself, and it may still come to that. But if you can, would you honor her last wish? I don't know what's passed between the two of you. I hope this isn't as cruel a thing to ask you as I'm afraid it might be.
I'm keeping this secret for now. I'm afraid that the bonds we're desperately hanging onto will crumble once people know. Nona was sweet and beloved. And she deserves the truth, as do the others. I intend to tell everyone before this is over. When I do... I'm sorry, too, about the situation you might find yourself in. It's very possible Crea will try to kill Waltaquin, and maybe me when I try to stop him. Xiao will be angry, but I believe he'll hear me out. Lacus... I don't know what to make of Lacus. I know Nona was precious to her, but she keeps her calm and is steadfast to her principles... they're just a little hard for me to understand. Whatever Lacus chooses, I think Billy and Shuda will likely support her. Wang Lu and Wei Wuxian will take my side regardless, but I truly don't want things to come to that. I'll do everything I can to avoid dividing the group with this. I only want you to have enough context to understand what's happening, if we should switch involuntarily again.
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She's a little like me, too. Last week, Merlin did something that let us glimpse each other's memories. She saw my memory of you after the trial. And I saw her childhood. It feels wrong to violate her confidences now, however unwilling it might have been. Maybe it's enough to say that I feel like she and I are reflections? When I left the basement, it was like... well, looking directly into the sunlight after you've been sitting in a dark and quiet room. The whole world seemed to rush in all at once, overwhelming and wonderful. I almost couldn't understand how much I was feeling. I can't really say if I hated the powers that kept me down there, when at least I thought I could use them to help the person who set me free. But for Waltaquin, I think her powers were freedom, to her. I wonder if she feels about her research the way I do about people.
I like her. It's hypocritical of me, isn't it? I feel so frustrated at how easily everyone accepts what Shigaraki has been part of. But even knowing that she's killed, I still care for her. I couldn't really tell you if she's a good person or a bad person. I won't say that she chose what she did for the good of the group. But she didn't do it out of cruelty, either. I think it's best if you judge for yourself. Even so, I'm not keeping silent about what happened for Waltaquin's sake. I really think it's what I have to do, at least until Merlin's spell is finished. She never asked me to keep her secret, either; she told me outright to tell the others if I needed to. Can you understand her a little, from that? I hope so. I'd really like you to.
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I hate seeing people hurt. I don't want to stand by and let it happen anymore. And I can't forgive the people who used us like this, who took advantage of everyone's fear and vulnerability and anger and helplessness. I know you'll tell me that those who killed made their own choices, too. And that's true. But Overhaul and Shigaraki are the ones who did this to all of us.
I don't know what any of the killers here would do if they returned to their own worlds. Will they hurt more people? If they weren't in circumstances like these, is that truly who they are, no matter what? But I know who Shigaraki and Overhaul are. They had every advantage. They didn't have to do things the way they did. Even if they truly believed that the deaths were necessary, they didn't need to make a game of it — watching, enjoying seeing us struggle and hurt and hate each other, first with the deaths themselves and then by making us do the executions. I've seen who the people here are that pressure. And I still believe in them. That's... my resolve, right now.